September's Soul

And so it is apparent that summer is coming to an end...There are zillion birds in my back yard, leaves spewed across my deck, the smell of cow shit in the air, the school buses barging up my road and this slight melancholy that crawls inside me, reminding me of all I did not do this summer. Wow ! is this ever depressing!!
Hell... I climbed the Rockies. ate warm Brie on crackers, chugged Grasshopper beer, smoked cigarettes in a Legion, saw Mountain Sheep on the side of the Road. I sipped italian coffee with an Artist, saw a fringe play with a golf pro...Danced with a midget (little person)...whatever!
I bought a yoga mat, painted my bedroom purple, fell in love, and out and in and out and...

I have had a magical summer
*sigh*

Its Not the Size that Counts

Ok Ok... so I am finally blogging again! I've been Busy, what can I say?
I did two shows this weekend out in the Falls, with a small crowd on Friday and a sold out show on Saturday and I have to say I had more fun Friday than Saturday. I had some horse face, mid life crisis, can't lose that last 70lbs bitch right in the front Satuday. Clutching her burberry purse and gasping at my consupicent behavior. What??? Don't you FUCK!! lady?...haven't you ever looked at your asshole in the mirror? *sigh* oh well, her husband loved me!!
And so did the 72 year old Birthday girl that kept grabbing her ever so cute grandson by the neck with her cane. My friends Bill and Shannon were also on the show, they have a room in Hamilton @ Slaintes....they are AWESOME and if you want to be treated well , do this room!! or at least come out and support it.
I am back to Toronto tonight, hosting the show at the Fox and the Fiddle. Jason Blanchard, who runs the room is out west on a tour and having great success! Big crowds or bathroom stalls, its all about the connection you make when you walk on that stage and lift up your skirt....nothing else matters!

I love my life!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

But the Photographer is worth a million more...
Its been a week since the photo shoot, but I can still feel the flashes when I close my eyes. There is nothing more magic then to be in the presence of a soul who is truly living their purpose. I wondered why he met me first, and talked nothing about the pictures. I wondered why he never for a moment asked what I wanted in the pictures. I wondered why he was so highly recommended. I wonder no more.
In two hours I felt like a child, a woman, a girl. I felt safe and alive, taunted, and exposed. I felt my soul mingle outside of myself, and let down its guard. I am so very curious to see exactly how he captured me. The way he would peek out from behind his camera and so intently edge me on. This MAN...all MAN! with the primal instinct to soften a woman. God I sound like a fucking harliquin romance writer. But FUCK !! it was amazing! I would say it was like artistic intercourse. If you EVER want to completely lose yourself in a moment.. get your pictures done by this MAN!

The Struggling Actress

I am certain God is a Woman! Only another woman would do what was done to me today. It started last night... I did a spot at Slainte Irish Pub in Hamilton...great room by the way! After the show I go to my car and it's covered in winter bliss. As I am shoveling off the snow I am chanting in my head..." I will not be here next year, I will not be here next year" I start to drive home and the snow is so thick on the road I am fish tailing it all the way from Wellington to Centenial. By now I am bargaining with God to just get me home, while the other personality is wishing death upon the 4 wheel driving SUV ing FREAK! behind me. It takes me 2 hours to get home...not counting the hour and half it took me to get there, and the 7 mins I did on stage. And they wonder why comedians are crazy!.
By the time I get home I am so wound up it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep and I have to be up at 7 am because I have an audition back in Toronto in the Morning.
I bondo up my face, put on my prettiest dress...my suck everything in pantyhose, and off I go.
I get to the audition...its for "Tony and Tina's Wedding" at Second City. Not the best gig, but one I am told will look good on my resume. Then...this perky little , "girl"...looks me over...and hands me a script..and says..."you can read for the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE!!"
How freeeeeeeking old do I look???...I have 2 mins to read my lines, which include a bit where I sing...I DON"T SING!!...I can't even friggin hum!...I read off my lines, in all of 2 mins, and they say..thank you...next...in a monotone, syncronized "you don't get the part" voice. And I am not even certain its because I am too young looking. I swear if they call me back and tell me I got the part...I'll do some singing...my best Marilyn Munroe...followed by the overdose!
Oh well 12 hours of driving for 9 mins on stage. Its the life of a struggling actress!

I hate my life!

Keeping it Clean

So there I am last night on stage to a sold out crowd...As emcee its my job to "warm up" the room, seduce the audience into my world and out of their own. But... there is a catch; last night "KEEP IT CLEAN!!" is whispered into my ear as I am about to enter the spotlight. This is like telling a five year old after eating a candy apple to sit still...its like a man in his midlife crisis driving his porche ALONE being told to do the speed limit. Its like that big bag of one bite brownies on the third day of ovulation sitting there on the counter....begging for you to just dig in!....
I am scrambling in my head...whats another word for "cocksucker"? ...help me out people...fellatio inhaler?
penis mouther? Some how ..."A camel toed cougar on a college cock"...just doesn't sound the same without the word cock...the inflections of it break , the poetry is lost, the rhythm GONE! So what did I do???...I went full tilt "ME" (I had typed in dirty...but as I re-read this post I realized...I don't think so much that I am dirty, as I am "ME"...
And I have to tell you...the "dirtier" or more "ME" I got the... louder the crowd.
The whole night rocked!
I love my life!! *sigh*

*note...after doing a spell check ...interestingly enough..."cocksucker" comes up as a spelling error but there is not another spelling suggestion for it. Fellatio however is the correct spelling for "felatio" as I had originally spelled it
ok...now that is funny!

Blogging... What is it all about?

Well I guess this makes me a blogger in the world of blogging...Is Blog an anagram , aneurysm, or whatever the word is for another word?...Blog? (I'll think about this one for a while) Who are the Bloggers of the world? Can you become Blogged out? Is there a self help group for Bloginism? Do Bloggers become Bloggets? So many questions as I Blog along.
I am starting to feel Bloggers Block ....