Full Bawdy Blues

Its been a few weeks of this hum drum kinda feeling. It happens when I let the creative part of me sit still.
I am not one to reach out or show you my smile upside down. I keep to myself, and hide away with curtains closed and answering machine msgs. I drink the milk from the carton and feel that ache in the arch of my back from sitting still too long.
My wardrobe turns to yoga pants and hair bands
It's been a tough month for me. I am hibernating, and concentrating and frustrating over the slightest of things.
But, I know for certain , something big is coming. I always seem to take shelter for a while, a shelter where ONLY the ones that I trust so very completely, with my very being, do I let in.
It's the evolution of sorts. It affects all parts of me and shifts begin. Sometimes I move, cities away. Sometimes I move, my body, hard and fast and sometimes, I stand completely still and something outside of myself moves me. A birth, a death, a understanding of why it is I do what I do.
Sometimes it comes easy , like the birth of baby pigs, many things, all at once, all over, slipping by.
Other times, its heavy, and hard, and I bleed with fear, anxiety and outright rage at God.
Tonight as I type this, I feel the presence of my saving grace, and I shall sleep on what will come or what will leave

shelley marshall

Mother Of The Pride

Well, the Rainbow flag has been tucked away with my skinny summer clothes that I never fit into again this year.
Yup, it's that time of the year when you jump off the "I'll get into that outfit before the end of summer" and you never do.
Oh sure I can fit my ass in them, I just can't do up the fly, or maybe I can get the fly halfway up and the top button , but there is that bit of "Look what you did to my body!" as I point to my children.
Ah yes! The Children!
Sometimes I'll wander the streets and look in the eyes of strangers and say out loud. "I have two gay kids", then I usually say "well I ONLY have two kids, and they are BOTH gay" I think its kinda like having twins! after all during their teen ages they dressed alike. My girl was a "tom boy" That's what we called lesbians back in my day.
My Son? let's just say he let me dress him up as Robin Hood for a grade 8 Halloween Party. (I dressed up as Mary Katherine Gallagher that year)
I never knew my children were gay, but I was suspicious of my daughter. Those tasmanian devil track suits and catching her watching showgirls.
My son?...I really had no idea...I just thought he was an asshole.
Always shrugging his shoulders, never making eye contact, treating me like I was so not cool. I was the coolest Mom EVER!
I would dress up as a clown for his birthday parties. Take him to Harry Potter book Releases at Midnight.
I would make him Pancakes , the letter of his name and pretend I was Flo from Mel's Diner.
This Kid was lucky to have me! and I reminded him of that everyday!
Anyways...I love my kids, I am hopeful and happy and delighted to watch their lives evolve in front of me.
So the next time I tell you I have two Gay kids?...Please don't look at me as if I have a retarded spinabifita baby in a stroller bobbing it's head at you.
I am happy I beared these fruits!

Live from Jasper Avenue...

I am here in Edmonton, slept in til almost 10, wandered down to the Mall to pick up my Pantyhose and liquid makeup. We spent a few hours at the West Edmonton Mall yesterday. It's fun to shop with Men who shop! What a mall, a skating rink , water park, casino, amusement park, its just nuts! But could I find a Shoppers Drug Mart?...nope! nada! I tried octopus, cold chewy green tasting. I think I am just going to keep still today, lay in this king size bed, catch up on the Y&R, listen to Feist, paint my toes, and miss my family.
Whatever will I do when this comedy thing takes me away for months?
I'll take them with me!!
Tomorrow is my last night with the Tour...I knew it would come and go quickly.
I am excited to perform tonight, I have some friends coming, and although I have family here in this city somewhere, I just don't feel like doing that long lost contacting thing. I've estranged myself from most of my "family" this past year, feeling most safe in the company of the friends I have chosen, and with my children and husband. And although I miss my sisters, I don't have that gut wrenching fear based stomach twisting mindset. Living in fear is how we were raised. Nothing is what it seems, nothing will turn out right, the eggs will be broken when you get home, the sound of a screech means one of your children was just hit by a car, the phone ringing means someone is dead, the smell of anything means the house is on fire. The knock on the door is the Germans coming to get us, it was crazy growing up in my house. But the crazy is what brings the need for laughter, and that's why I do what I do. I want smiling faces and hugs and applause and acceptance, I want celebration and glasses cheering and girlfriends out on the town. I want to live in a world where you are able to stop and breathe and know you are exactly where you are suppose to be, and today that place is Edmonton!

Once Upon A Time...

As I sit here in the lobby of the lovely Saskatchewan Hotel, I am aware that this is the place where it all began. Both my paternal and maternal Grandfathers lived in this City, trying to find their way. Both ended up in Hamilton. This is my first visit to this province, this city, and the coldness that still lingers in my body since getting off the plane. It reminds me of the hearts of my Grandfathers. I know in the end both did not find their bliss, both died lonely and sad. I thought about that as I stepped out on stage last night. There were over a thousand souls, in the most vibrant red chairs, with twinkling lights and a sound system that commanded every ones attention. I have become more comfortable on stage as each show passes, and I am grateful for this experience, the experience of travelling, seeing parts of my Country that I am not sure I would see without this opportunity. It's especially nice to share this journey with people that get it...It seems that in every city, the people want to explain who they are , and what they are about. Its as though each city has their own personality. Even the venues have their own little personalities...Last night, only one man watched the show from the Theatre, and thats probably because he was running lights. The rest hid in a back room, watching hockey, wanting no part of the Penis. In Kitchener, my first show. The lights went out on the stage 12 mins into my set...was it an accident? I don't think so. In London...the sign outside the venue read "Puppetry" they would not allow the word "Penis"? Toronto was the most open minded, full on Posters, a Forty foot banner with PENIS as large as ...well as large as a Penis should be. The Theatre staff was absolutely wonderful and the crowd, THE BEST!
I am learning so much on this adventure, about censorship, about travelling, about cultures within cultures. In Hamilton a woman said to me just before the show .."Are there lots of flaming fags that come to the show"...I said "I am not sure, but I do know my Son is coming and hes a flaming fag!" Its interesting how people perceive this show, when in fact there is absolutely NOTHING sexual about the Puppetry of the Penis...The show is a comedy with two absolutely charming , charismatic, witty men.
And so as I leave this city , and move to the next , I am happy to have visited, to have wandered the streets a bit, to feel that COLD COLD air and to have seen such a lovely sunset, all by myself, with the grandfathers of my past somewhere out there perhaps watching me.

It simply is ...The Best Time of My Life!!

I said goodbye to the Boys and Crew at the Winnipeg Airport yesterday, oh how I wanted to be stuffed in their carry ons but alas , I have a week off. I'll meet up again with them in Regina. I guess you could say the energy of excitement still continues to run through me, such a blissful place to be. I flew home with the Gold Medal Winner of Curling, he was glowing, and so was I!!.
Maybe it was just the day , or the weather, but I must say, I have NEVER seen a bluer, brighter sky in my life while in Winnipeg, and the audience was lovely!
I was especially happy to spend some time with a couple of magical girls, well on their comedy way. As it was the last night of this part of the tour, we closed a little Irish pub. I had my first Rock Star experience when Room service (secretly) brought up bottles of wine to our Room long after the CLOSED sign went up. Martin has the voice of Prince Charles and his impecable charm got us the goods!
What I find most wonderful about these Men is that the charm you see upon the stage is exactly who they are. They are so in the moment, life is constantly a celebration for them, I could sit and listen to their stories forever! I feel so so very honoured to be part of this tour, and its so nice to be in a place where I stop and breathe it in, look up to the sky and thank the heavens for such an experience. Its nice to be home and I am a bit weak, a break will be good, to collect my thoughts, paint my toes and get that energy level back up!

My Birthday (Day off of Tour)

Birthdays are never easy for me, I usually medicate, hibernate and contemplate on why I simply don't like to celebrate.
But, yesterday was different. I decided to go for it, be in the moment of acknowleding my aliveness. I prettied myself up , invited two of the most incredible Women in my life (my cousin and my daughter) out for lunch, and away we went. We drove through the city, windows down, sunroof open with The Dixie Chicks singing along. "Forgive? sounds good...Forget? I am not sure I could...They say, time heals everything, but I am still waiting" Oh and I am not so good at forgiving either. I tend to stuff hurt and hate away, I must learn to release!
We hung out in China town, shoppped in Kensington Market, where I bought myself the perfect Birthday outfit. I stopped by Java House for my favorite Rasberry Chocolate Cake , which I am just finishing now for breakfast. I am off soon to London, I have 2 shows tonight, and I am exceptionally excited as I have a grade school friend coming, and my nieces! Tomorrow...its Toronto! WOW!
I am totally loving this experience. I am out of mind thrilled!

DAY 2 MY HOME TOWN

Everything about this performance was Magic, the way I was treated upon my arrival, the, crowd! the OH MY GOD !!! crowd. I actually cried when I walked off, and my husband too. From my Cousin waving to me from the Balcony, to my dear friend squeezing me so tightly afterwards, from my Son whispering I love you in my ear.
After the show, we celebrated with drinks and dinks, yup, the Boys from the show Martin and Dan , and the Road Manager Stu, and the very very REAL Heather the EVERYTHING go to girl! Fantastic people, loving their work, I mean what 22 year old very handsome man would not enjoy travelling around the world , playing with his dick in front of 2000 screaming Women (and men) ...I think its pretty much a dream job. Very nice guys, great stories, and quite the fancy cocks!
Its my birthday today, and I going to take the queen st street car to the west end, have some lunch with my daughter and cousin, and then take the queen st car back to the beach. (It's an actual touristic thing to do here in Toronto)
Tonight I am going back to the Hammer, to see the Double Rink Hockey Boys, I can't think of a better way to celebrate.
I am happy!

DAY 1 OF THE TOUR

I can only describe the experience of last night in one word "GOD"
I felt transcended into a world of acceptance, my body moved with the jokes, my eyes sparkled with the lights and my soul mingled in the rafters with the sound of my voice speaking my truth!
I know my journey includes finding my place of giving back. I can not take in all of this energy and not move it forward into a world of brokenness. The problem is, I want everything to heal! The hungry babies, the man standing on the bridge, the crazy crack girl in my neighbourhood, the pregnant teen that once was me ,the thirty year old Woman stuck in the mindset that she is undeserving.
I am hoping the Universe will present itself to me, to find that place of indulging in giving back.
For...
I know in this very moment that I have (been for giving)...

Shelley

My First Official Canadian Tour!

It's the eve before I start my first Official Canadian Tour! I am opening for "Puppetry of the Penis" The Res Erection Canadian Tour
Even to write the words feel surreal. You work at this, you long for this, you hang on, you beg, you borrow, you BECOME.
Yesterday I performed for a group of "ladies", an afternoon tea at a Mansion in Niagara on the Lake. It was for Big Sisters,
the "Go Girls Program"...a fundraiser so that we may mentor these fragile, beautiful, souls into carefree Women of the future.
I received a "swag" bag on my way out, and in amongst the 'swag" a brochure for Botox! Maybe I'll pass it on to my
"little sister"!? But then I think...hmmm, would I shove my ass fat in my face if it took a few years off?
Yeah probably...but not yet, for now I hang on tight to my Optimum card and buy every product that smells like youth.
My dream house will have a Shoppers in the front foyer...rag mags lined up , and my own private price checker!
I remember being 16 and watching women in their 40's, the heels, the attitudes, the freedom. And although I was a socially
statically challenged , pregnant teen, high school drop out, socially serviced, medicated and mad . I've finally come into
myself. I have arrived at the place where I longed to be. I loved performing for the ladies yesterday. They were
wonderful, and although I can cross the line, and perhaps offend, it is only my intention to make people think and LAUGH. Besides,
they tossed a somewhat unacceptable brochure in my bag! does that make it even?!
So as I begin to pack my bag with my new Spanx, to suck everything in, fantastic shoes! , a dress that confirms I am still
very much stuck in the 80s and earrings that glitter in the dark!
I am so very excited and scared and inspired and ....EVERYTHING all at once.
To stand on a stage in front over over a thousand people, in the city I was born on the eve of my birthday , five years to the very day I ever did stand-up
seems ....BRILLIANT!
here we go....

S. A. D.

S.A.D.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder

I think I am SAD! crawled outta bed today around 11am...only because the phone rang, and rang. and rang!! I thought it was Monday, I thought it was 6pm.
I browsed through perezhilton.com, looked out the window and crawled back in bed.
I just want the sun, I just want some GOOD news, I just want to fall back into that blissful, bike riding, bountifull feeling.
I know it's not just not me, I got a call from a girlfirend that wanted to put rocks in her pockets and walk out into the river behind her
house, but the ice is frozen 18" thick...gasing herself came up, but her house runs on electric. hanging?..no basement, and she said she could touch the ceiling,
oh well...
Even my children are needing my attention these days. I walked with my daughter yesterday , in the wet snow and talked about ...NOTHING!
I can't even mother my children, it took every part of my strength to tie one boot, I just let the lace of the other one dangle along, hoping I'd trip and
smash my face off the curb, but there aren't any curbs, they are covered in mountains of snow!
I came home and made Jasmine tea...it was $100 a lb...Oprah told me to get it!! I guess its good, it taste like perfume.
But, I keep drinking it, sitting there with my stack of self help books and cough syrup (nite time relief) I take it in the morning to keep me feeling
night time ish.
I don't have a cold.
The book? Oprah told me to get it...she said it would change my life.
"How to heal your life" Louise L Hays..."If you want to heal your life then you are the one who must change it"
huh?
I can't even change the toilet paper roll!
The book is now a coaster for my chocolate pudding cup.
The spoon is in the couch with my socks and the remote.
I guess I could have a shower, but that would require me walking downstairs to the laundry room to get a towel...I just don't have the strength.
I've been watching the same channel , can't find the remote...its gotta be in the couch!
Why does it have to be stuck on the biography channel?
Today we have the life and times of Anna Nicole, Judy Garland and Munroe...oh this should be a real pick- me- upper!
anways...I just want some sun, some melting, some blossoms!
anyone else feeling out of sorts?

Old Bats in Red Hats!

Old Bats!!
It was a Saturday Night in Grimsby Ontario. I arrived "right on time" , I am whisked into a green room ( aka an aqua green bathroom) where I dust my face, reapply my lip gloss, and fix my boobs.
I am not following just anyone you know...Its the Grimsby High school Choir!
Pat...the Head of the "Old Bats", asks me if I would like an "introduction" I start to ramble off some "best of...and she fires back "I am old...I won't remember" and so I saunter on to the stage?...
oh?...no stage?, just the floor, and the lights?...full pap smear , floresent , notice the hair on my chin lights!
Pat did manage to remember to tell me that she had invited along a man who is a talent scout...she points to him, the one in the bow tie, and the wife with blue eyeshadow! I see them!
Yes...no "F Bombs"...she tells me " two F Bombs" and he'll walk out on me!
FUCKKKKK!!
I start the set out , by asking for water, I am thirsty, I ate 9 Tim Bits on the drive ( one I save for my set)
So I chug a bit of water, tell them I am tired, that I'd been up since noon...and off we go.
I felt so intimidated...I mean there was a sea of Purple and Red Women...I had taken the time to read about them on their Website...http://www.oldbatsinredhats.ca
This was not your ordinary "Seniors" club...these Women had it going on . There was over a 100 of them, in this tiny little community centre, tucked into the Green Belt of small quaint towns,
God I miss Giant Tiger and God Fathers Pizza.
Anyways...these ladies were Delicious, they were so generous and curious, and I can't wait to be FIFTY!.
and the talent scout took my card! Vegas here I come! on a tour Bus with the Red Hat Society!

Bash'd...a gay rap opera

Written and Performed by Chris Craddock and Nathan Cuckow


A Mother’s Reflection

Sometimes, something comes along and you feel this shift. It starts in the moment when you feel the audience collectively, silently, intelligently agreeing to surrender. It starts in the red velvet chair you are seated upon, then it travels up your spine, into your mind, and you feel your body crave to sit up, and listen to every word, and just hang on for the ride!



Well that's what Bash'd felt like for me. I even felt like crying, in parts where I don't think you are suppose to cry. It felt intimate and vulnerable, smart, sexy, edgy, dirty and flat out wonderful!



You may be asking,why? Well, I have a Gay Son. And believe me, this play knows gay! My Son is tall, handsome, smart and witty. He’s full of life, drama and one liners. Full of hanging ons and jumping in. Those shifty eyes. He’s loud and he lurks. He picks and he twirls. He spills, he demands, he laughs, he borrows and he loves being gay!



I really don't have one of those dramatic, fall to your knees coming out stories to tell, even though every dramatic bone in my body wants one.Although, I guess I really should have known all along. But tell me, when did you know your kid was not gay? I guess I just never thought, as he played there with his fruitloops and Barney Rubble in the morning when he was six ...is he Gay? I mean who looks at their children and wonders about their sexual orientation? Eww, who does that? It just didn't happen for me. I thought more about what he would do with his life. I wanted him to play the piano...but he chose game boy instead. I wanted him to be a diver on a swim team. After all, he was a boy that would dive off the deep end at 18 months old and swim on his very own! His metrosexual father taught him that one.



He was a boy that made me a bed on the couch when I would fall into my dark places. He would watch Will and Grace with me and make me a cup of tea. The best tea, honestly! He held the all time record for Long Jump in his school during track and field. The school is closed now. That school where we both shared our childhoods. That school of 145 students. That school where there were only 5 other boys in his class, in his grade, in his community.



My gay son was never bashed, except by me! I cried here too during the play when I thought of how hard it must have been to keep his silence. He knew he had to! I think I was the first to bash him. I called him a faggot one night not long after he came out. I said it with vulgarity and humiliation. I said it with ignorance and homophobia. I said it with fear and anger and intention was to shock. I bashed my own son!! I took it back although I hold on to it to this day.



And so last night, as I watched these men, these Souls, rap their story, a simple story really, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for the part of myself that is blessed by the brilliance of having a gay child, for in that moment when they "Come out", their words being pushed up from the deepest of places, where all our secrets are kept. There is a freedom you feel. For when you are pushed out from behind a place you have only ever known, you are given a new view, and a new life with a whole new perspective.



I am not a flag waving, parade marching, PFLAG member. Trust me, I am much too busy helping my Lesbian daughter put her couch together from IKEA.



Life being gay or being a proud parents of two gay children isn’t easy. If you want to gain so perspective on the gay society, to broaden your mind to a wondrous community, go see Bash'd. You’ll “come out” a better person.

New Years Revelation

I have a copy of my New Years "resolution" from when I was 10 years old.

1. I will non fight with my sister

2. I will obey my parents...

Funny! I don't talk to any of my sisters...I have one full blood sister and two different sisters by two different fathers, but there were only 2 Weddings, one divorce, but several engagements.

And well ...my parents are dead so , I suppose I have kept those "resolutions" or life was very creative in keeping them for me.

It sucks not having that sense of "family" outside of the one you create yourself. But!emotionally, its the most freeing to have healthy relationships where you are who you are, you don't (on the drive over) remind your kids not talk about this or that. I am sure I would still have my children stuffed in a closet if it were not for dismissing myself from the table of homophobic appetizers, followed by a bowl of racism, with a generous helping of self doubt, guilt and shame.

I had always tried escaping, I did all the usual things a girl does in those circumstances...she drops out, gets knocked up and gives up.

And then one day...just out of the blue, I crawled out from beneath the sheets, washed my hair, and walked on a stage.

I won't make any "Renovations" I am good here in this place of quiet contemplation, this place of moving forward ....I AM!!

Random Blogs I never Posted

I thought I would post just some Random Blogs that I've been posting on Facebook.

I am blogging more!...it was 2007's new years resolution!!http://shelleymarshall.blogspot.com/November26thWell I just have to say I had the BEST time ever!! filming a comedy drama short for the Toronto 24 Hour Film Challengehttp://torontofilmchallenge.comI am truly flattered that I was chosen to take part. I truly worked with some pretty amazing guys!! The film is going to be shown this Friday November 30th 7:00 pm at the Bloor Cinema 506 Bloor S.Come out and cheer us on for the Audience Choice Award!! The only hint I can give you is FULL SCREEN BOOB SHOT!!I am feeling quite happy these days!...so much happening , so many wonderful people coming into my life, loving where I live and especially who I live with!My kids are happy, the car starts and the Sadness I tend to feel this time of year hasn't crept in ...

November 18th check out the article in "fab" the Fabulous Master....mind behind bitch salad!http://www.fabmagazine.com/bellini/index.html

November 14thHey! check out the article in Todays Spectator!!http://www.thespec.com/article/281536and check out the new clip Just For Laughs Posted!http://www.justforlaughs.ca/videos/show/5149-shelley-marshall-little-black-dress

November 9th 2007 check out the article in today's "Niagara This Week"http://www.niagarathisweek.com/news/article/134448Just for Laughs Just posted a few videos of me called "phone beep" and "ugly son" check it out!!http://www.justepourrire.com/videos/show/5065http://www.justepourrire.com/videos/show/5066-shelley-marshall-phone-beep?stag=

November 7th 2007Hey Check out the latest article!!Page 10!!!http://www.stcatharinesstandard.ca/media/specialsections/WIBforweb.pdf

Up Coming Shows!November 9th Headlining The House of Comedy Niagara Falls 9pm http://www.thehouseofcomedy.comNovember 10th Headlining The House of Comedy Niagara Falls 9pm http://www.thehouseofcomedy.com
November 12th The Rivoli Queen St Toronto 9pmhttp://www.rivoli.ca http://www.altdotcomedylounge.com/index.php?id=acl
November 15th "Phoney" The Staircase Theatre Hamilton 8pm http://www.staircase.orgNovember 16th "Phoney" The Staircase Theatre Hamilton 8pm http://www.staircase.orgNovember 17th "Phoney" The Staircase Theatre Hamilton 8pm http://www.staircase.orgTHIS SHOW IS SOLD OUT!!November 28th Betty's King St TorontoCorktown Comedy 8:30pm Free!http://www.corktowncomedy.com
December 5th Comedy Cares FundraiserHeadliningSlaintes Hamilton 9pmhttp://www.slainteirishpub.ca
December 8th Private Corporate Function
December 13th Best Western Brantford 9:00pm Headlining
December 21 Private Corporate Funtion

October 16th!Although I've had a nasty nasty cold I've had the BEST few days EVER!!I have some great shows coming up , and by great I mean, I am going to be working with some of the BEST comedians , and best Venues around! I feel lucky!One thing I would like to say FORE SURE!! if you are remotely thinking of putting together a one person show..maybe for fringe, maybe for just you...get in touch with Tracey Erin Smith. I took her workshop (playshop) this past weekend, and I met the most fascinating people, and found a great new Character.Anyways... visit http://www.traceyerinsmith.com get in touch with her, and GO TO THIS WORKSHOP!ok so here is a bit of news...I auditioned last week for Second City's Conservatory Program, yup me and 6 other kids, there I am this 40 something mom, with these wonderful KIDS!! anyways...they called yesterday and I am in! that makes me happy, improv is wonderful, and such a great way to stay connected in the comedy world.I've got a shit load of really GREAT shows coming up which I'll post as events...soon...but I am so excited to be back at the Rivoli in November, Bitch Salad has invited me to do a spot...FANTASTIC SHOW at Buddies in Bad Times! My play of course in Hamilton, and I am doing the House of Comedy in Niagara Falls, so lots and lots of stage time to try out some of my new stuff.Oh and I booked a flight to the UK for May...can't wait to perform my Bawdy Comedy over the Pond.That's it for now...but take that course!!even if you would never get on stage and perform, its therapeutic! September 18th!Its booked!"Phoney" IS coming to Hamilton!! Yipppeeeand I am thrilled to be presenting it at the "Staircase Theatre"! its a great little venue that holds about 70 has booze and nice seats and its in the HAMMER!November 15/16/17 8pm with a very special singing guest!I'll be sending out invites, but thought I would share the grand news here!Well I am off to wax, pluck, and weedwack a few areas for my Big College Gig tonight!I love you all ! and if my kids are reading this...I take back the "if abortion was fashionable in the 80's" comment...apparently it was inappropriate or so my therapist says

September16thI've got some great shows coming up that I thought I should post up here.Tuesday Sept 18th 9pm I'll be headlining a show at Georgian College with two fabulous...fabulous! Women Martha O'neill and Michelle Shaughnessy Saturday Sept 22nd I am one of the lucky "special guests" to perform with "From the Mouths of Babes" at the Savannah Room 9pm TorontoFriday Sept 28th and Saturday Sept 29th its back to "The House of Comedy" I'll be performing with the Boys on Friday night(I bought a NEW dress for this show!)and Headlining Saturday night!October 4th I'll be the Mistress of Ceremonies for a Fantastic Fundraiser which I've just learned is SOLD OUT!!
October 15th I'll be the Key Note Speaker for the St Catherines "Women in Business" Awards!November 1st...I am so thrilled!! I'll be performing my play "Phoney" for another fundraiser and for those that I keep saying "i am bringing my play to Hamilton"...I AM!! ...sometime in November, as soon as the venue is booked I promise to let you know...anyways..thats it for now...I am off to the championship lesbian baseball tournament my daughters girlfriend is in!!GO DYKES GO!!September 10thToronto So Far...Its been almost two weeks since I went "home", back to the "country" where I could close my bedroom door, shut all the curtains, and hear nothing!Instead...I pack onto a Queen St street car, transfer onto the subway, and arrive!Oh look...there goes George Clooney as the pretty asian boy fixes my latte, I run my fingers along the cool glass of Prada's south side store front and I gaze...I am high on this place...I met up with a travelling or "touring" comic as some like to call themselves. We drank Stella and did our time ...Doing stand up is like getting high...but its always a different high...its like the audience passes you the drug...some nights its like a Tylenol caplet that lets go in your throat and it burns...And some nights...its like lorazipan ( I can't spell drug names and I am ok with that)I played a college gig on Friday...and on my way...there from the overpass ahead...a jumper! and as I drove by in my fast car, my short skirt, and loud music...I was bolted into that instant feeling of "what the fuck?" I was an asshole on stage, death freaks me out. Suicide is different..its not death, its freedom for some.After the gig I came home ...walked to an Indian restaurant with the man of my dreams, drank too much beer, ate too much spice, and paid too much for the cab ride home.I love my life!Shelley Makes the Next Move!Well its off to Toronto...the next step in the evolution of a Comic!...Actress?...Mid Life Crisis?I don't know!!But I am off, off to a city that will give me the opportunity to perform any night of the week! endless amounts of Classes...I am already registered for an Attention Deficit Disorder Yoga Class for Aries over 40! God I love a City that has EVERYTHING...Wed night 11pm...Charlie Chaplin Films 2 bucks...Pho Soup 4am 5bucks...007 Martinis at Holt's Cafe 20bucks...Celebrity sightings in my neighbourhood coffee shop...I saw the Girl from the IKEA commercial..."stop the car!!"Its amazing!! wireless Internet on my front porch! a jazz club, clown school, and soccer DADS!! all just a bike ride away!I will miss the cows in the field behind me and corn in the field in front of me, I will miss the mail lady driving by, the school bus and the barking dog in the back of that pick up truck. I'll miss the newspaper thrown in my driveway, and the 1 kid that showed up on Halloween. I'll miss this darling little road...but I am READY!!and here I come!!

Up...Dating!

December 6th 2007
ho ho holy shit whata Month November was. The "movie challenge" was the biggest best experience
here is the final cut of "3 Months Deep" the challenge was to write , film and edit a movie in just 24 Hours.
We were given the Comedy Drama genre, an ink blot as a prop, and the line "what makes you an expert?"
with a theme of "first times" and this is what our team came up with.
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=igPl4P4Xc58
Although our film did not take home any of the Big Prizes , it was an amazing gift (oh fuck I have been watching
Oprah way too much) It sucked not winning! I wanted to push the winners as I walked by them, they were all
smiling and hugging and ...I just wanted to smash their faces in!!
*sigh*
On a good note...I landed an Agent...AND!! she's got me my first audition
tomorrow 11:15 am (how will I ever be out of bed that early??)
Best part is...its a toilet paper commercial!!!
I smell Oscar!!
Second best part?...I have a coldsore on my bottom lip the size of
Brittany Spears' clit!!
Sorry...after a gig last night I had drinks with the casts of "Queer as Folk" and "The L Word"
I am so fascinated by the "GAYS"...they have their own language..most unspoken, in a metephorical irony
that translates into FUCK EVERYONE!
oh joy!
hmmm What else is going on?...Oh I am performing at the Corktown Comedy Christmas Show @ Betty's on
King St!...he has some really fantastic performers on the show so I feel ...oh who am I kidding?..I haven't had a feeling
in months...its what happens when you hit your 40's...unnecessary feelings leave you, like guilt and guilt.
And the only punishment is that we might pee a bit while running for the bus.
Ok back to the show...its Wednesday December 19th 8:30ish...FREE!!
come out and celebrate!

I will Start Blogging!!

Its been over a year since I last "blogged"...sorry, I've been busy!
And I never reallly think anyone reads these, but just in case, I thought I would start. If only for myself.

Tomorrow I shoot that short comedy film for the "toronto 24 hour film challenge"
I should be getting costumes together...and so I will
I will write again soon...I promise!

September's Soul

And so it is apparent that summer is coming to an end...There are zillion birds in my back yard, leaves spewed across my deck, the smell of cow shit in the air, the school buses barging up my road and this slight melancholy that crawls inside me, reminding me of all I did not do this summer. Wow ! is this ever depressing!!
Hell... I climbed the Rockies. ate warm Brie on crackers, chugged Grasshopper beer, smoked cigarettes in a Legion, saw Mountain Sheep on the side of the Road. I sipped italian coffee with an Artist, saw a fringe play with a golf pro...Danced with a midget (little person)...whatever!
I bought a yoga mat, painted my bedroom purple, fell in love, and out and in and out and...

I have had a magical summer
*sigh*

Its Not the Size that Counts

Ok Ok... so I am finally blogging again! I've been Busy, what can I say?
I did two shows this weekend out in the Falls, with a small crowd on Friday and a sold out show on Saturday and I have to say I had more fun Friday than Saturday. I had some horse face, mid life crisis, can't lose that last 70lbs bitch right in the front Satuday. Clutching her burberry purse and gasping at my consupicent behavior. What??? Don't you FUCK!! lady?...haven't you ever looked at your asshole in the mirror? *sigh* oh well, her husband loved me!!
And so did the 72 year old Birthday girl that kept grabbing her ever so cute grandson by the neck with her cane. My friends Bill and Shannon were also on the show, they have a room in Hamilton @ Slaintes....they are AWESOME and if you want to be treated well , do this room!! or at least come out and support it.
I am back to Toronto tonight, hosting the show at the Fox and the Fiddle. Jason Blanchard, who runs the room is out west on a tour and having great success! Big crowds or bathroom stalls, its all about the connection you make when you walk on that stage and lift up your skirt....nothing else matters!

I love my life!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

But the Photographer is worth a million more...
Its been a week since the photo shoot, but I can still feel the flashes when I close my eyes. There is nothing more magic then to be in the presence of a soul who is truly living their purpose. I wondered why he met me first, and talked nothing about the pictures. I wondered why he never for a moment asked what I wanted in the pictures. I wondered why he was so highly recommended. I wonder no more.
In two hours I felt like a child, a woman, a girl. I felt safe and alive, taunted, and exposed. I felt my soul mingle outside of myself, and let down its guard. I am so very curious to see exactly how he captured me. The way he would peek out from behind his camera and so intently edge me on. This MAN...all MAN! with the primal instinct to soften a woman. God I sound like a fucking harliquin romance writer. But FUCK !! it was amazing! I would say it was like artistic intercourse. If you EVER want to completely lose yourself in a moment.. get your pictures done by this MAN!

The Struggling Actress

I am certain God is a Woman! Only another woman would do what was done to me today. It started last night... I did a spot at Slainte Irish Pub in Hamilton...great room by the way! After the show I go to my car and it's covered in winter bliss. As I am shoveling off the snow I am chanting in my head..." I will not be here next year, I will not be here next year" I start to drive home and the snow is so thick on the road I am fish tailing it all the way from Wellington to Centenial. By now I am bargaining with God to just get me home, while the other personality is wishing death upon the 4 wheel driving SUV ing FREAK! behind me. It takes me 2 hours to get home...not counting the hour and half it took me to get there, and the 7 mins I did on stage. And they wonder why comedians are crazy!.
By the time I get home I am so wound up it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep and I have to be up at 7 am because I have an audition back in Toronto in the Morning.
I bondo up my face, put on my prettiest dress...my suck everything in pantyhose, and off I go.
I get to the audition...its for "Tony and Tina's Wedding" at Second City. Not the best gig, but one I am told will look good on my resume. Then...this perky little , "girl"...looks me over...and hands me a script..and says..."you can read for the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE!!"
How freeeeeeeking old do I look???...I have 2 mins to read my lines, which include a bit where I sing...I DON"T SING!!...I can't even friggin hum!...I read off my lines, in all of 2 mins, and they say..thank you...next...in a monotone, syncronized "you don't get the part" voice. And I am not even certain its because I am too young looking. I swear if they call me back and tell me I got the part...I'll do some singing...my best Marilyn Munroe...followed by the overdose!
Oh well 12 hours of driving for 9 mins on stage. Its the life of a struggling actress!

I hate my life!