Sunday, December 04, 2005

Its Not the Size that Counts

Ok Ok... so I am finally blogging again! I've been Busy, what can I say?
I did two shows this weekend out in the Falls, with a small crowd on Friday and a sold out show on Saturday and I have to say I had more fun Friday than Saturday. I had some horse face, mid life crisis, can't lose that last 70lbs bitch right in the front Satuday. Clutching her burberry purse and gasping at my consupicent behavior. What??? Don't you FUCK!! lady?...haven't you ever looked at your asshole in the mirror? *sigh* oh well, her husband loved me!!
And so did the 72 year old Birthday girl that kept grabbing her ever so cute grandson by the neck with her cane. My friends Bill and Shannon were also on the show, they have a room in Hamilton @ Slaintes....they are AWESOME and if you want to be treated well , do this room!! or at least come out and support it.
I am back to Toronto tonight, hosting the show at the Fox and the Fiddle. Jason Blanchard, who runs the room is out west on a tour and having great success! Big crowds or bathroom stalls, its all about the connection you make when you walk on that stage and lift up your skirt....nothing else matters!

I love my life!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

But the Photographer is worth a million more...
Its been a week since the photo shoot, but I can still feel the flashes when I close my eyes. There is nothing more magic then to be in the presence of a soul who is truly living their purpose. I wondered why he met me first, and talked nothing about the pictures. I wondered why he never for a moment asked what I wanted in the pictures. I wondered why he was so highly recommended. I wonder no more.
In two hours I felt like a child, a woman, a girl. I felt safe and alive, taunted, and exposed. I felt my soul mingle outside of myself, and let down its guard. I am so very curious to see exactly how he captured me. The way he would peek out from behind his camera and so intently edge me on. This MAN...all MAN! with the primal instinct to soften a woman. God I sound like a fucking harliquin romance writer. But FUCK !! it was amazing! I would say it was like artistic intercourse. If you EVER want to completely lose yourself in a moment.. get your pictures done by this MAN!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The Struggling Actress

I am certain God is a Woman! Only another woman would do what was done to me today. It started last night... I did a spot at Slainte Irish Pub in Hamilton...great room by the way! After the show I go to my car and it's covered in winter bliss. As I am shoveling off the snow I am chanting in my head..." I will not be here next year, I will not be here next year" I start to drive home and the snow is so thick on the road I am fish tailing it all the way from Wellington to Centenial. By now I am bargaining with God to just get me home, while the other personality is wishing death upon the 4 wheel driving SUV ing FREAK! behind me. It takes me 2 hours to get home...not counting the hour and half it took me to get there, and the 7 mins I did on stage. And they wonder why comedians are crazy!.
By the time I get home I am so wound up it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep and I have to be up at 7 am because I have an audition back in Toronto in the Morning.
I bondo up my face, put on my prettiest suck everything in pantyhose, and off I go.
I get to the audition...its for "Tony and Tina's Wedding" at Second City. Not the best gig, but one I am told will look good on my resume. Then...this perky little , "girl"...looks me over...and hands me a script..and says..."you can read for the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE!!"
How freeeeeeeking old do I look???...I have 2 mins to read my lines, which include a bit where I sing...I DON"T SING!!...I can't even friggin hum!...I read off my lines, in all of 2 mins, and they say..thank a monotone, syncronized "you don't get the part" voice. And I am not even certain its because I am too young looking. I swear if they call me back and tell me I got the part...I'll do some best Marilyn Munroe...followed by the overdose!
Oh well 12 hours of driving for 9 mins on stage. Its the life of a struggling actress!

I hate my life!