Friday, December 28, 2007

New Years Revelation

I have a copy of my New Years "resolution" from when I was 10 years old.

1. I will non fight with my sister

2. I will obey my parents...

Funny! I don't talk to any of my sisters...I have one full blood sister and two different sisters by two different fathers, but there were only 2 Weddings, one divorce, but several engagements.

And well parents are dead so , I suppose I have kept those "resolutions" or life was very creative in keeping them for me.

It sucks not having that sense of "family" outside of the one you create yourself. But!emotionally, its the most freeing to have healthy relationships where you are who you are, you don't (on the drive over) remind your kids not talk about this or that. I am sure I would still have my children stuffed in a closet if it were not for dismissing myself from the table of homophobic appetizers, followed by a bowl of racism, with a generous helping of self doubt, guilt and shame.

I had always tried escaping, I did all the usual things a girl does in those circumstances...she drops out, gets knocked up and gives up.

And then one day...just out of the blue, I crawled out from beneath the sheets, washed my hair, and walked on a stage.

I won't make any "Renovations" I am good here in this place of quiet contemplation, this place of moving forward ....I AM!!